Part one – January 23, 2018
This afternoon, sad, teary-eyed Sadie shared with me that her fish had died. She had this fish since she was born.
Children often bring up topics when you are unprepared and you least expect it. I looked at it as an opportunity to discuss death with a four year old.
“Everyone and every living thing dies. It is normal to feel sad. Love for each other never dies. Memories live on. It is good to share your feelings.” The usual things we say.
Questions from Sadie included: “Was her fish in outer space? Was my Dad in outer space?” She was aware that my Dad had died many years ago.
I told Sadie that I really wasn’t sure where her fish is and where my Dad is. We talked about heaven.
Sadie wanted to see pictures of my Dad. I opened up the file on my computer from my last visit with my Dad. My Dad was very compromised, elderly and in ill health.
Sadie noticed the Christmas decorations in the background. She asked whether he had died at Christmas. I told her, no. Some time in January.
The hair rose on my arms.
I hunted down his memorial script. May 4, 1929 – January 23, 2007.
A sob escapes my throat.
Part two – May 4, 2019
Sadie is now five years old. One year older and one year wiser.
After a long, fun-filled day, we were waiting for Sadie’s Mom to arrive to take her home.
This time I received an extra long hug. She wouldn’t let go.
Then she said “I don’t want to forget you.” I looked at her and she had tears in her eyes.
I paused. Where did this come from? Does she know something I don’t know?
I was taken aback. I didn’t have time to prepare an answer. I said what I think are appropriate things to say to a five year old. “You won’t forget me. I will never forget you. You will always be in my heart.” I was a little emotional, too, although I tried my best to hide these feelings.
I get it. I also don’t want to forget.
Memories surface around special holidays. This year my Dad would have turned 90 years old on his birthday.
A few of my memories:
- I remember how birthdays were always a big deal in our house. We always celebrated with a Black Forest Cake.
- I remember how my Dad valued an education. On a very limited income, he purchased the entire Encyclopedia Brittanica. We would actually read these books on a daily basis.
- I remember how he was a gadget person. The latest knives, blenders, recording devices, projectors, movie cameras. We also had the first black and white tv on the block.
- I still get misty-eyed when I hear a song from the Sound of Music, the first movie I saw with my Dad.
- Most of all I remember the family values my Dad instilled in all of his children. To him, love was a verb. He showed us every day how much he cared about us. He loved children and unfortunately he did not have a chance to meet his amazing great grandchildren.
Memories can fade. We will forget details about our loved ones, especially grandparents that may have left us many years ago. We may have only a hazy recollection of events.
Sadie had questions about death and about my Dad in Part 1 of this story.
How do we teach children about death?
When we have the privilege of spending time with children, we quickly realize that we will learn far more from children than they will learn from us.
Sadie taught me that it is okay to ask the hard questions. It is okay to love someone and be afraid of losing them. It is okay to have tears in your eyes.
Sadie taught me that sometimes the only answer you really want is a very long hug and not let go.
A few weeks ago I was making some notes outside the yoga studio, waiting for my class to begin. I was debating on whether I would write and share this story. I walked into the studio and I met a friend who was telling me about her upcoming birthday plans. I asked her what day is her birthday? She said, May 4th.
Today would have been my Dad’s 90th birthday, May 4th.